Why Hugo is getting snubbed by the Oscars in favor of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

by Mr. Nobel

If you, like me, have been following the Oscars race, you’ll know that right now the frontrunners, according to the pundits, are The Artist, Hugo and The Descendants. And yet, I’m beginning to wonder if we’re all prematurely predicting a Best Picture nomination for Hugo.

When you think of the Academy, what do you think of? Me, I think a group of crusty geriatric, senile motherfuckers. And those old fucks are going to screw Marty right out of a nomination because of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.

Let’s break this down.

Lead Character:

Hugo is a story about a young, precocious boy trying to unravel a mysterious device, which could hold the key to “fixing” an old, cranky mechanic, left behind by his late father by doing shit in a picturebook-style rendition of a Parisian train station inhabited by quirky and likable characters.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is a story about a young, precocious and possibly autistic boy trying to unravel a mysterious key, which could hold the, uh, key to “fixing” the failing marriage between a noble black woman and her ambitious husband, left behind by his late father by travelling across a fictionalized version of New York City filled with one-dimensional (not unlike a picturebook) characters and caricatures. And also quirk.

What the Academy will think: Martha, I need my medication! Can you also get me my reading glasses?

Title:

Hugo’s team have really shot themselves in the foot here. They shortened the film’s title from The Invention of Hugo Cabret to the incredibly boring and generic Hugo. I mean Hugo can be a title for absolutely anything…

What the Academy will think: Hmm, Hugo. Hmm,Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. I really liked that movie about those silent movies, but I can’t remember the title. Uh hey, Extremely Loud…that could be about that train, yeah! And…Incredibly Close could be about the, uh, fucking 3D and crap. Yeah, that’s right. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. All right then.

Director:

I don’t know about you, but when I think about a cinematic New York, I think Martin Scorsese. Who the hell would remember that a British bloke made Forrest Gump in New York?

What the Academy will think: God that shady crack addict Scorsese really phoned it in with that movie about New York. I did like that movie about Georges Melies. Ah, I remember my first Melies movie, back in 1912…what was I on about? Oh, right, Best Director. Yeah, good try Scorsese, but better luck next time. Maybe stick with your homicidal taxi drivers and your, uh, rock and roll next time. Now…who directed that 3D movie? It’s probably that nice British chap I voted for three times before. Yeah, Stephen Daldry. Now that’s a respectable sounding name.

Bonus Round:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N66d7cnJpLY

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