Director Cage Fight – Round 4
by Mr. Nobel
Round 4: Michael Bay vs. James Cameron
The set up: You ask Michael Bay and James Cameron to help you run your day care for a day. The rationale behind this is that both directors make movies that are enjoyed by a wide range of children and man-children alike.
Michael Bay: He starts the day as he means to go on by slapping the ass of one of the day care assistants. She’s a bit, y’know, pissed off but cools off once Bay promises her a role in his new movie.
For lunch, he orders some McDonalds for the kids and the workers of the day care. Most of the kids are happy, excluding some of the hipster children who wanted Ethiopian food from that pop up restaurant around the corner. The workers don’t mind the food, though some people are happier than others.
After day care is nap time. Bay decides to punch up naptime by transforming the napping area into a nightclub, bringing in some DJs, a bartender and paying some Victoria’s Secret models to start gyrating on the dance floor. Some of the kids start crying, but Bay appeases the upset children by giving them free toy robot figurines.
About an hour into the rave, Bay disappears with the assistant from earlier this morning into one of the supply closets. Ten minutes later, she leaves the room calling Bay an asshole, quitting from her job and posting about Bay on her blog. Bay remains in the supply closet for another hour, jerking off to some footage from Transformers 3.
After nap time, Bay lines up all the girls and all the boys in the day care. He hands out business cards to half the girls and a few of the boys, telling them to call him once they’re legal.
James Cameron: James Cameron enters the day care and immediately asks all of the day care assistants to turn off their cell phones, and to memorize his newly drafted schedules. Cameron has carefully divided the day into regimented blocks of time allotted for fun, learning and physical activity.
During the block of time set aside for learning, one of the kids ask Cameron if they could go outside to play. Cameron screams that this kid for about 15 minutes, before ripping up his backpack and kicking him out of the day care. One of the assistants’ cell phone rings, and Cameron takes a sledge hammer to the phone.
For lunch, Cameron brings in a noted molecular gastronomy chef to prepare some dishes. The children and workers are all dazzled by the display of cool shit, though some of them later agree that the meal wasn’t very substantial or filling.
During lunch, Cameron fingers a member of the chef’s team. During nap time, he files for divorce from his current wife and proposes to the person he fingered. When the parents arrive to pick up their children, Cameron insists that they wait for the lessons on astronomy to end. Most of the parents wind up tipping Cameron, who keeps all of the money even though he blew your money on the chefs.
Winner: Cameron, because several instances of assault are easier to deal with than the pedophilia and sexual harassment suits. The real loser, however, is your wallet.